Ear Wyrm Connoisseur: Gloryhammer

This is my shit.


So Gloryhammer is a fantasy metal band that sings about dragons and such. The album, tales from the kingdom of Fife is like a novel in album form. And guess how it starts.

I’ll give you a second to write your guess down on a piece of paper.

Wildest guess.

Ok, so now that none of you have done what I asked, this album starts with a dark prophecy and then a unicorn invasion. I’m going to say this again. The album starts with an invasion by unicorns. Unicorns. Not of unicorns, by unicorns.

Ok. Metal is over. We can all go home.

On top of everything the army of demon possessed undead unicorns is led by the dark wizard Zargothrax. This is either the most derivative piece of nonsense or a work of pure genius. Possibly both.

But in all honesty, the music is fantastically performed, but pretty standard when it comes to fantasy metal.

Ok. Fine. Not Fantasy Metal. Power metal. Whatever. You win, hipsters. Get off my back.

If you are into high octane eagle riding warriors, lyrics by Google translator, and plenty of wizards, this album is for you. If you want meaningful lyrics that pertain to believable characters written by someone who has a mastery of the English language… Don’t worry about that. Dragons! It’s got dragons, honey.

Lyrically, it is so fun. It’s the perfect album for nerds who like to troll themselves. It’s got jems like,

“Demon attacked me but then it was slain
the dragon appeared and a battle was fight
I spoke from the words of a powerful scroll
and magical dragon became now allied”

It’s almost perfect in it’s imperfection… Almost.

However, there is one line I am bothered by. It taints the objectively perfect song Unicorn Invasion of Dundee. (I said objectively. Get off my back).

“The townspeople had little hope
They were not ready for war
Fireballs make everybody die
And buildings collapse to the floor
The beautiful princess was raped
And taken to prison with cry
Angus McFife swears a mighty oath
“I will make Zargothrax die!”

It just tosses rape into my silly song about unicorns and firebolts. I’m like, “Oh man, I really like how this song is all about unicorns killing dudes. Like, even the drum sounds like there is an army of unicorn coming to run me over and stuff. This is just like something I wrote when I was in high school. Wait, what just happened? Did someone get raped? By who? Zargothrax? The unicorns!? I somehow don’t feel like the writer of this song is capable of accurately portraying or dealing with the gravity of the horrors of rape. This doesn’t fit with the campy motifs at all. Ohhh, now he’s singing about goblins and trolls. Awesome.”

I’m not here to give you a lecture on dealing with rape and sexual assault. There are plenty survivors and people out there that are talking about that and you should go listen to them. Cause their voices are the ones that matter here. What I am saying is, I don’t want to hear about a rape in the middle of a song about a unicorn invasion. I think you are either missing the point of your own song or trivializing rape. This is also the princesses introductory line. The line where she gets raped. The first image the singer gives the listener of the princess is one of her getting raped by… something.

It seems that her only purpose in the story is for her to get raped and captured. That is it. And now that I have noticed this and put it into words, I can’t unthink how ridiculous it is. God, it’s like watching feminist frequency all over again.

Ico will never be the same.

Ico will never be the same.

Anyway, the album is great except that one line. Also all the poor grammar. And trite subject matter. I like it OK. I said, “Get off my back”.